This is a slightly depressing blog post for me.
My intention by writing this is to put my feelings out there instead of letting myself internalize them.
I'm passionate about the idea of being something the fashion industry clearly says I am not. Being on a designer's runway when I've lived through all my life's years with a deep appreciation of fashion and style is a dream that I tricked myself into thinking is within reach. It's been a personal wake up call trying to pursue that dream, and it's sending me into this pit of depression that I feel I should let these feelings out instead of suffering in silence.
More recently than ever I've been so passionate about the idea that I could earn my place in a show as a model, and confidently walk the catwalk in heels while everyone eyes me and the designs I'd proudly be wearing. But because of this vision, I've weakened myself mentally, and pushed myself to the extremes of dieting by always skipping breakfast. Sometimes, but not always, I eat one apple or banana for lunch, and then I feel extremely guilty if I decide to eat a light dinner, and it must have zero carbs and no fat whatsoever. The only thing that keeps hunger off my mind is knowing that any chance I have at being 5'3" and on the runway, my bones must be visible.
There have been castings that I excitedly went to and was reminded while next in line that the height requirement is 5 inches taller than I am. Before presenting my walk, I had to keep telling myself "I'm good enough. I'm good enough." to avoid psyching myself out of going through with it. No matter what I told myself, the words all felt so empty since I'm fully aware there are these requirements in place that we call "standards".
What the directors, designers, photographers, and everyone else judging sees at every casting I go to is a 5'3" model barely making the height requirement of 5'8" in 4 inch heels. But as I walk for them, the feeling I most love vibrates through me of presenting myself professionally, and elegantly for the sake of fashion and entertainment. I wonder if they see a glimmer of my passion, or if they just see my body and size.
Most recently I've been invited to model for a clothing brand for their website, and was spun around by the owner upon meeting him who eyed my body up and down. I knew by the way he looked that he was disappointed when I answered his questions about my measurements. "My waist is 29" but I'm going down to 27" very soon" I said, feeling desperate for approval. I never got a call back.
Why am I so passionate about an industry so unhealthy for me? If I could do anything in life, it would be to break the standards, and to do what I love without being told I cannot.
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